Alone vs. Lonely

I'm sitting here, alone, eating graham crackers with peanut butter and chocolate. Jason had to go out of town for work this week. And, since I couldn't take the entire week off of work, Little Pumpkin went to her grandparents for two days. So, I am all by myself. I have never really thought about the difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely before. In fact, I probably didn't really think that there was much difference in those feelings. One goes with the other, right? Well, earlier this year I discovered that there is a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. It was actually a bit of a relief to learn the difference for reasons I'm not sure I know how to explain yet.

If you read my post, Fake It 'Til You Make It, you'll know that after we moved to Kansas last spring I kind of crashed. In addition to what I wrote about in that post, I pretty much withdrew from everything, and everyone, and became a hermit. I even told people that I had become a professional hermit. I did not want to be around people, did not want to meet people, and did not want to talk to people. For the first few months, I actually ordered a lot of my groceries online and had them shipped to my door just to avoid going to the store and being around people. Pretty much the only people infested places that I somewhat willingly drug myself to was church and Little Pumpkin's doctor appointments.

Typically, when you move to a new place, you purposely try to meet people for the purpose of making acquaintances and, potentially, friends. I did none of that. And, I wanted nothing to do with that sort of thing. After Gunther returned to live with us, I started taking he and Pumpkin for walks, but I tried to do it when I thought there was the least possibility of being seen. I wasn't very successful, but I managed quite well to ignore
anyone that I did see. There were actually many opportunities for me to meet people, and some folks went out of their way to try and meet me. The neighbor lady across the street introduced herself, more than once, pretty soon after arriving here. A lady at church that greeted us the first time we attended went out of her way to find us after the service, gave me her phone number, and offered to meet for coffee if I wanted. Of course, as most churches have, there was the "Are you new here? Fill out this info sheet so we can meet you!" form that we never filled out. There were two other women from church that I actually met, on purpose, that offered a prime opportunity for me to build an acquaintance relationship, but I didn't take it. The one woman even invited me to lunch one day. I actually accepted her friendly invitation, but only because she was going to be house and dog-sitting for us. Throughout the entire lunch, however, I was just putting on my polite face and pleasantly interacting all the while wishing I wasn't there. I never pursued that acquaintance-ship any further after that, but at no fault to her. I just really, really, really did not want to meet, see, talk to, or be around people, and neither did I want to make friends with anyone new. I just wanted to be alone.

Funny thing, though. Even though I wanted absolutely nothing to do with people, and was basically hiding out in my house ordering groceries online, I felt completely alone. As most of you know, Jason was working night-shift and taking an online night course, so during the days it was just Little Pumpkin and I, 7 days a week. At night, it was just Little Pumpkin and I at least 5 nights a week. There were more than a few times that I was getting her ready to go somewhere and I would tell her, "Well Pumpkin, it's just you and me against the world." And, that is literally what it felt like- that I was completely alone and had absolutely no one. Yet, I absolutely did not want to try and find anyone.

More than once after we moved (and after Pumpkin was born), one of my sisters told me, "You need to go to MOPS!" I kind of knew a little about MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) as our old church had a MOPS group. One day I did look to see if there was any MOPS groups close by, but I didn't do anything about it. Sometime later, I got back online and emailed the group leader asking for more information about their meetings.  I think it was in November when I finally made myself go to one of their group meetings. One of the big things, or a marketing strategy as I would call it, that I always hear with mom-type groups is how it allows you to "... connect with other Mom's!" So I went to this MOPS group meeting and.... did not feel like I "connected" with the other mom's at all. I actually felt a bit awkward and out of place. I figured that most of that was my fault because even though I went, I really didn't want to meet anyone. I knew that was the wrong attitude to have, so I told myself, and my friend Tiffany, that I had to go to the MOPS meetings again even though I didn't want to. My hermit self was a bit overwhelmed when the people in the MOPS group told me about all the weekly opportunities they had scheduled for play-dates and activities. I remember thinking, "Really?! Who in their right mind wants to get out and go somewhere multiple times every single week?!?" Even though I had determined that I would return to the MOPS meetings regardless of whether I wanted to, I never actually did. I was still feeling very alone, but I definitely was not feeling lonely in that I wanted to be around people, or try to make new friends.

In thinking about this feeling alone but not lonely stuff, I realized that I have had this experience in the past, but not quite to this extent. One of my oldest memories of feeling alone was when my sister and now brother-in-law, Rachel and Ted, dropped me off in New Windsor, Maryland to start the three-week orientation for Brethren Volunteer Service. I had just turned 19 about six weeks prior and this was the beginning to going and doing something different than anyone else in my family, and would be much further away from my home, family, and everything familiar. I remember Rach and Ted helped me carry my stuff into the dorm and helped me find my room. Rach mentioned a few of the other girls that we had seen/passed in the hall; that they looked like they might be nice folks to meet. And, after Rach and Ted left to go home and I was there all by myself, I felt quite alone even though there were other people around. I forced myself to go meet people and introduce myself, and don't recall having that "alone" feeling linger too much.

Another experience of feeling "alone" that I recalled was when I was first in Australia. I had been there for less than a week and my bunk reservation at the hostel (Sydney Central) was running out, but they couldn't extend my stay because they were booked up. The day my time ran out, I found a single room (much more expensive!) at another hostel (Sydney Harbour) about 2.5 miles away, but I couldn't take my stuff there until later in the afternoon. I was able to stash my luggage with reception at Sydney Central and spent the morning and afternoon with two girls that I had met: Tatjana from Germany, and Salome from Sweden. I believe it was that day that we went and explored the Taronga Zoo and, because we already had ferry passes, we decided to visit one of the beaches that required riding the ferry. After the zoo, I had to return to Sydney Central, collect my luggage, and take it to my new hostel. I arranged to text or call Tatjana to let them know when I was on the ferry as they were going ahead to the beach. We were supposed to watch the sun set on the beach together. I don't recall if I caught the Free Bus from the ferry back to Sydney Central, or if I had to walk it (about 2.5 miles), but I do know that I had to walk, with my luggage, all the way to my new hostel. As it turned out, I was pretty worn out when I finally arrived (one of many experiences in learning that it takes a LONG time to return to normal after having mono). And, when I tried to contact Tatjana, I could not get the call to go through. I tried using the country code many different ways, but it just wouldn't work. I remember getting really frustrated because I was supposed to meet them, but how was I supposed to find them at the beach if they didn't know which ferry I was on, and I wanted to watch the sunset, but was super tired and couldn't even let them know that I wasn't coming. And, at that point, even though there were people everywhere, I felt very alone.

I'm sure that there have been other instances in which I have felt alone, but from what I can remember, none of those previous experiences were even close to the alone-ness that I felt last year, and part of this year. And yet, I don't think I ever felt lonely in the manner of wanting to be around people in those instances, or this past year. I actually didn't realize that I wasn't feeling lonely until early this spring. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but one day I found that I was lonely for human interaction. I wanted to be able to see, and talk to, the people that I used to know in Wyoming. Yeah, I had missed these people for the past year but, in all honesty, I didn't really want to talk to them that much. I guess my hermit-ness extended to even wanting to block them out. But, that particular day, I was wishing to be able to have a face-to-face conversation with someone that I knew. I was feeling lonely instead of feeling all alone. I think I had finally gotten to the point of possibly being ok with meeting new people and seeing if I could make a friend. Because I was actually lonely.

I'm honestly not sure what changed to take me from feeling alone to feeling lonely, and I'm not sure if that is important, or not. What I do recall taking me by surprise was the realization that there is a difference between feeling alone, and feeling lonely. There was a significant difference in the thoughts and feelings between the two states of mind/feelings.

I don't have any great, wonderful, deep revelations on this subject besides the fact that there really is a difference between feeling alone and being lonely. I believe that there are times that we need to be alone and be hermits from everyone. But, I also strongly believe that instigating, developing, and maintaining friendships is necessary, even for hermits. Hermits just don't require going to mommy groups and play-dates three times a week, or even three times a month. And, in case you're wondering, even though I began to have the lonely feeling, besides getting to know one of Jason's co-workers (who have since moved away) I still have not made any friends in Kansas. I have put forth a little bit more effort to meet people. I do find that I am missing my Wyoming friendships a lot more, and I'm not sure I'll ever have friendships like those again no matter how hard I try to build new relationships. And, I just realized, that is probably why I still haven't made any friends in Kansas.