Every now and then something will happen that causes me to remember the time I literally got smacked up-side the head by a friend. It was definitely not one of my proudest moments in life! A few years ago, Jason and I were out climbing with friends one day. While climbing, Jason asked me a question about how I had done the climb and I, without thinking, answered the question very bluntly. In just a few seconds Brittany came up beside me, smacked me on the back of the head, and reprimanded me. (Trust me, I deserved it even though I didn't understand why at the time.) There have been at least a few other times when Brittany has verbally smacked me up-side the head, although she probably would have been justified to literally smack me, too. Most every single time that I can recall has been because I spoke without thinking, or taking into account that I am not the authority on whatever it was I was speaking about. I'm actually not sure why Brittany hasn't dis-owned me over my lack of thinking before I speak. But, that is part of why I believe having a "head-smacker" for a friend is quite valuable.
There have been other friends that have put me in my place or verbally smacked me up-side the head in other instances. It is almost always because I speak without thinking, but occasionally because I did something I shouldn't have. Not one of those instances has been a pleasant, easy reprimand to receive - I usually feel about the size of an inch-worm afterwards. But, after mulling over the instance, and the reprimand, I have usually understood how I was wrong. I would like to think that I have learned something from those instances over the years, but I would venture to
say that I still have room for improvement!
Lately, in considering these not-so-easy-to-swallow reprimands from friends- younger friends, older friends, family, etc., I have become even more thankful for those people and those instances. Those friends didn't have to say anything to me. They could have just let me be an idiot and go about life speaking without thinking, or doing whatever I was doing wrong. They didn't have to risk me getting my feelers hurt and potentially being mad at them. They didn't have to risk an argument with me defending myself (which has probably happened). They didn't have to risk jeopardizing a friendship because of what might be said, or how it was received. But they did take that risk. These people cared enough about me to put aside the risks and tell me where I was wrong. Not only does that take guts, but it also takes wisdom and discernment. They didn't do it just because they wanted to lord my mistakes over me, but because they cared and knew that I could do, and be, better.
I believe that there are two ways a person can receive reprimands:
- They can get their feelers hurt, defend themselves, and not listen or take the reprimand to heart.
- They can swallow their pride, feel about as big as an inch-worm, get their feelers hurt, and try to learn from what they did wrong and try to be mindful not to make the same mistake again.
How I choose, or how anyone chooses, to receive these reprimands fully depends on if I am willing to look at the honest possibility that I was wrong; that I made a mistake, said something stupid, made a bad decision, etc. Trust me, that's not easy, but I believe that it is necessary if I want to continue to grow and become better at life in any and every aspect. I think that this is even more necessary if I, or anyone for that matter, is wanting to live and grow in their Christian faith. You could say that these friends that have smacked me up-side the head, literally and verbally, have been holding me accountable with their reprimands. And I think that everyone needs that - people to hold them accountable.
Whenever I have thought about this accountability, the reprimands, the getting smacked up-side the head, this Bible verse has been lurking in the background of my mind: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17, NIV) The mental image of that is not a comfy, cozy, cute little picture. I think it is a good representation that receiving reprimands and being held accountable for our thoughts, actions, words, etc. is not easy. It can be painful especially when we face the honest truth to admit our faults, or our wrongs. It hurts our feelers to have someone point out our flaws or bad decisions! I know this from personal experience! But ultimately, through this painful process, we are becoming a better person; I am growing into the "me" that I was created to be - that I want to be.
There are a few other facets to this head-smacking, being held accountable thing. One is realizing that the person, friend or family, who is willing to smack you up-side the head really actually cares for you. A lot. If they didn't, they wouldn't be saying anything. If they didn't care about you it wouldn't matter to them if you were making an idiot of yourself. They'd probably just walk on by, so to speak. But these friends that know you well enough to smack you up-side the head when you say something you shouldn't are willing to risk hurting your feelers, or making you mad, because they know that you can do better than that. They want better for you because they care about you.
I'll be honest and say that meeting and cultivating friendships that turn into these head-smacking friends, or even cultivating this kind of friendship with a family member, is not an everyday occurrence. And, it takes time. But it is something everyone needs. And, if you want to know how to tell if you have friends that are actually holding you accountable, stop and ask yourself if all of your friends just agree with you and tell you what you like, and want, to hear. Or, do they question you and point out areas where you just might be wrong, even when they know you don't want to hear it. I'm willing to bet that if none of your friends ever question your actions, choices, words, etc., than you don't have any head-smacking friends that you're listening to. And as a result, you're probably not growing and improving as a person. I know that if I did not have people in my life smacking me when I am an idiot, reprimanding me and showing me where I am wrong, I would consistently regress into a less-favorable version of me.
Something else that I have learned is that receiving reprimands, or a head smack, becomes more painful and hard to accept the closer you are to the person that is holding you accountable. If a random stranger, or even a friend that you don't know super well, calls you out on your mistakes, I think it is typically easier to brush it off and tell yourself it doesn't matter. Even though deep down inside you know they are right, and that it did hurt your feelers. (I will say that if a random stranger who doesn't even know you can see that you're making a mistake, you probably should stop and take note!) But, if it is someone that you personally care about a lot, know them super well, have a great close relationship with - when they call you out on your mistakes it can really bring you down a peg. Or two or three pegs. Maybe it's just me, but when that happens I feel as though I have personally disappointed them and somehow hurt them. And it's a painful realization that I'm in the wrong. I'm sure there is a bit of something psychological going on with all of that, but I do know for certain that the more you care about a person, the more painful it is to be reprimanded by them.
These friends that know you and I so well, and really do care for us enough to hurt our feelers by telling us when we are wrong, are rare. But I think we all need at least one of them. If we are wanting to grow in character, knowledge, faith, experience, etc., we need people to challenge us. We need to be questioned, we need it pointed out to us where we can improve, and we need to be told when we are wrong when we can't see it for ourselves. And the best people to do that are those that care enough about us that they want to see us become the best person that we can be, even if it gets uncomfortable and feelings get hurt. We all need that friend who is willing to smack us up-side the head when we need it. Everybody needs a head-smacker.
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