Fake It 'Til You Make It

.....or should you? I think everyone, at some point in their life, fakes it in the hopes of making it to whatever it is they are trying to accomplish. I know I have- in school, in work, and in life. The most common fake "thing" that I believe we see every single day is the all-to-common question: "How are you?" Really now, how often do you answer that question honestly? Probably not that often, I would guess.

A few years ago, I had decided that being fake was just.....dumb, for lack of a better word. I was tired of feeling like everyone was trying to keep up a certain façade, and just wanted to be real. Not just for me to be real, but for everybody to be real. Without going to the extreme, I did try to be real. And, I tried to engage other people that I knew fairly well into being real with me. I had more than one conversation, I think, with a few folks about why can't we just be real; to talk about the hard things, to acknowledge when life is tough, and to not pretend like everything is ok. I know I didn't succeed at being one hundred percent real, or maybe honest is a better term, all of the time but, I was a lot more aware of when I was faking it then I used to be. I think the year that I was pregnant with Little Pumpkin the being real, or honest, idea was even more prevalent in my mind.

During that year, I recall meeting and conversing with a lady that just always came across as faking it. And, it really irritated me. Especially when I knew that life was tough for her at various times, and yet, she was always happy, super sweet, and appeared as though life was peachy-keen. I had a conversation with someone about "why can't we just be real," and brought up this lady's perceived "fakeness" as an example. They, too, knew this lady, and gave me their perspective and insight into her personality, as well as some words of....wisdom, I guess. My biggest complaint at that time was that I just wanted people to be real; to know that other people's lives aren't perfect, that other people have struggles or hard times, and to share them with others. One of my points was that if we never share the real-ness of our lives, than we can never share in how to get through the
tough times, issues, problems, etc. That we would just continue to go through life being fake and trying to survive alone, basically. This person that I was conversing with, their words of wisdom were something along the lines of: It's not that we are being fake, or that we don't have any struggles, hard times, or have it all figured out. Instead we have learned through our struggles and hard times how to keep going and doing what God has ultimately created us for- to worship Him in everything.

Like I said, it was words of wisdom but, I didn't get it. I then questioned: if these people that have learned the wisdom of truly worshipping God in everything never talk about their real life issues, and how they get through them, how are the rest of us who are faking the "I'm great," and struggling with real issues, supposed to learn how to achieve that level of wisdom? I don't remember what this person's answer was, but I do know that I was still pretty stuck on the idea that we should all strive to be real; to stop faking it, and actually be real with people.

During the year that I was pregnant, I was fairly straight-forward about it most of the time. I didn't fake baby-fever, or excitement, even though I felt that it was expected of me. Although, whenever someone would mention that I didn't appear very excited about our coming baby, I would usually give an honest, but not really, answer that would hopefully make me look less like the hard-hearted, non-emotional being like I was feeling. But even in that situation, I was still trying very hard to not be fake; to be real. And then came the evening that Little Pumpkin was born.

I'm going to be completely honest and real here, and probably shock a few folks. I'm not sure I've told anyone most of this stuff before. So, if you don't want to read about nitty-gritty, ugly real-ness, you should skip this post.

When Pumpkin was born, they laid her on my chest. Everybody says that the first time you see your newborn child, the love you feel for that little being is overwhelming; a love you've never experienced before. I didn't get that feeling. At all. So either everyone else is lying or, I'm a really  cold-hearted bitch. Prior to having Pumpkin placed on my chest, I remember them saying that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice. After they laid her on my chest, they were rubbing her off, cleaning the gunk out of her nose and mouth, and she didn't breathe right away. Or make any noise. At least one of the nurses said something like, "Come on, let's breathe," as they were working on her. I remember looking down, watching Pumpkin and thinking, "I should probably say something, or else these nurses are going to think somethings wrong with me." I don't remember exactly what I said, but it wasn't anything sappy, or emotional. And, Pumpkin soon did take a breath and start crying.

The entire time I was in the hospital after Pumpkin was born, about 36 hours, I went through all the motions, said all the right things, and acted like I thought I should. But, I felt nothing. I was faking it. After we took Pumpkin home, it was the same deal. I went through the motions of caring for her, but it wasn't real to me. I'm not sure how many days it was after we had come home that I was sitting in the rocker with her, thinking about how I was supposed to love her. But I didn't feel any love.  I hadn't even said it, and I didn't know how to say it. That thought stayed with me until one day, I decided that even if I didn't feel it, I had to at least pretend. For Pumpkin's sake. Because I didn't want her to grow up thinking that I didn't love her, even if I had to fake it my entire life. So, one night I made myself tell her, "I love you." And, I determined to say it every single day, no matter what.

Fast-forward a little bit, and going through the entire fiasco of Jason getting a new job, leaving for Kansas, Pumpkin and I selling our house, being transient for a few weeks, lots of driving across the country, and moving into our new house in Kansas. After all of my family left (my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew had helped us move in), I crashed in a major fashion. What had started as just faking my love for Pumpkin turned into a full-fledged faking of life in every way 99.9% of the time. In some ways, I didn't do a very good job of it and, in other ways, I did way too good of a job of faking it.

After all that talk that I had previously done about being real and not faking it, and here I was faking it in a major fashion. Even when I was given opportunities to be real, and they were opportunities I should have taken, I was choosing to fake it. And, I wasn't even thinking about "fake it 'til you make it." I was just faking it to keep people from seeing what was really going on. I was even faking it for Jason, although he occasionally got a bit less of the fake version then anyone else. But even today, he doesn't know most of what I'm writing here.

Even though I was faking it almost one hundred percent, I still bull-headed-ly kept it a bit real. Whenever someone asked me how I liked Kansas, what I really wanted to say was, "It's horrible." Instead, I managed to come up with a nicer, truthful answer of, "I'm still waiting for it to impress me." I was a major Scrooge about pretty much every holiday and celebratory event; birthdays and Christmas for sure. I had absolutely no desire to have a happy, jolly-jolly for them, and put forth effort to downplay them as much as possible. I groused about dumb things that probably never bothered me before, but at that point they were a big deal that I could actually verbalize, as opposed to the even bigger deals that I couldn't verbalize. And, eventually, I told Jason one tiny bit of truth: that I hated it here. Outside of that, I was faking it.

I faked my love for Pumpkin. I faked, though not very well at times, my relationship with Jason. I faked trying to be a Christian. I faked being a friend. I faked living life in general. And, to some extent, I'm still faking it. I have learned something though: that you really do have to fake it 'til you make it sometimes. You can't always be "real" and just live what you're humanly feeling.

A lot has happened over the last eighteen months, not only in my life, but in everyone's life. Over that time I have observed other people, I heard the saying "it's not about you," I spent a lot of time wishing to escape my reality, I continued to fake it, and I slowly learned a few things.

One of the first things I learned over this time, and I think it's a real thing, is that when you're always putting yourself into the middle of other peoples ordeals, trying to solve someone else's problem, making a mountain out of a mole-hill that doesn't really matter- most likely you are trying to escape your own reality. If you can immerse yourself into someone else's issues, good or bad, then you don't have to deal with what's going on in your own life- temporarily. I found that to be true of myself last spring/summer when I was putting most of my time and effort into trying to be of assistance to Luke and Katelyn with their wedding planning. I'm not sure how helpful I actually was, but it took my mind off of my own problems. In some ways, that was a good thing for a short time. But, my issues were still waiting for me whenever I took a step back from YouTube-ing wedding music ideas, or whatever it was. When I first recognized this "immerse yourself in someone else's life and escape your own" in myself, I was quick to recognize it in other people and wanted to start pointing fingers. Thankfully, I quickly realized that if I started pointing fingers that I would just be hopping back on the "escape your own reality" train. And, deep down I knew I shouldn't do that.

Another learning moment I had, and I'm potentially risking getting ostracized here, was observing my sister and brother-in-law's marriage fall apart over the last year and a half. I saw the increase in faking it, and I knew pretty quickly when my sister stopped faking it. And, not to sound cliché, they didn't make it after that. Their failing relationship, and seeing what happened after she stopped faking it, is a large part of what made me realize that you do have to fake it 'til you make it.

Another learning moment came by going to church. And I was actually faking the want, and need, for going to church. In all honesty, I would've rather stayed home but, deep down I knew that if we didn't go to church our life- me, us, our little family- would start to deteriorate even more than it already was. We didn't have perfect attendance, but I tried hard to not give in to the desire to not go to church. And, it was at church that I heard, several times, the phrase, "It's not about you." Also, more than once, an illustration of "fake it 'til you make it" (my words, not the preachers) in regards to worship was brought up in the sermon. Even if I got nothing else out of going to church each week those two things stuck with me and, they bore a lot of weight in my learning that you do have to fake it 'til you make it.

Potentially the biggest factor in my realization that being real instead of fake is not always the best plan came in my relationship with Little Pumpkin. For over a year, I faked caring for her, loving her, and saying the words "I love you." I noticed more than once that I literally had no feelings in that area of life. It scared me a few times, to be honest. I wondered if I would ever really mean what I was saying, and portraying. Early this year, one day in February I believe, I realized that I was no longer faking it with Pumpkin. Something had happened that day and, instead of feeling dead inside, I actually felt something. I really did mean it when I said, "I love you" and, I finally felt some real empathy.

I feel like this might be a bit scattered but, stick with me if you will.

The "fake it 'til you make it" illustration that I heard in church several times about worship was this: even though you are not on top of the world, even though you don't feel like worshipping God, even though you are tired, life is the pits, and you feel you have no reason to get excited about singing worship songs, or reading your Bible, or going to church- go through the motions. Go through the motions, pour yourself out, ask God to bring you to that place, and your heart will catch up. Go through the motions because you know, deep down, that it is right. And, over time and with God's help, your heart will catch up and you won't just be going through the motions anymore. You won't be faking it- you'll be being real, the real that God has for you.

I have been faking pretty much everything for over a year and, I'm still faking it in some areas. My sister was faking her relationship, and chose to stop faking it. I could have chosen to stop faking it. I could have chosen to follow my once-thought-to-be-better path of being one hundred percent real whether it was good or bad. But I have learned or, more accurately, God has taught me that being the real that I humanly feel will not bring me to the real that He has for me.

If I had chosen to be the real that I was feeling over the past year to 18 months, I probably would've walked out of this house one day with no desire to return. I would've said things that would've crushed my husband. I would've never had the opportunity to know, and feel, real love for my daughter. I would've given up on my once-real desire to grow in my Christian faith, and to know and understand God more. And there are a lot of other possibilities that could've been the result of me being real, and none of them are good. Being one hundred percent real to what the human and sin-nature feel is not what I believe God has for us.

It may seem shallow, or unorthodox, to say "fake it 'til you make it" when it comes to your relationship with God, or with your spouse, or your family. But, as most anyone can vouch for, feelings come and go, and you can't just follow "feelings." Just as feelings can lead you towards something good that's in God's plan for you, feelings can also lead you away. So when your feelings get up and leave, you've gotta keep going by faking it, going through the motions, and keep progressing until your heart catches up.

Even while learning all of this, I have questioned the validity of being real and how to know when to be real versus faking it 'til you make it. I do honestly believe there is a time for both; sometimes you need to be real, and sometimes you need to pull up your boot-straps and fake it. How to tell the difference between which one is the right action plan? The best explanation I have at this time is this: if the action plan is self-centered, as in focused on you and selfish wants, than you probably need to do the opposite. If the action plan is all about trying to do what's best for others, starting with God, your spouse, kids, family, friends, etc., than you're probably on the right track.

A common "theme" in all that I have learned over the past year is what I have heard at church multiple times this past year: It's not about you. It's about God, and consequently, it's about the people that God has given you. When you start focusing on you, you quickly lose focus on God and what He has for you. You don't feel your heart-strings pulling in love for your child? Its not about you; it's about your child knowing you love them more than yourself, and loving them enough to keep going through the motions until the heart catches up. You don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning? It's not about you; it's about all the people that God has placed in your life that you are going to impact that day, even in the smallest way (like by just getting out of bed and acting alive!). You don't feel any emotions for your spouse, or have negative feelings? It's not about you; it's about choosing to love them regardless of how you feel. You don't feel like worshipping God or growing in your faith? It's not about you; it's about God and following what He has called us to do. It's not about you, just plain and simple.

I'm not going to claim to have everything all figured out, and I'm sorry I don't have any Scripture verses peppered throughout to support my theory, but I really do not believe that God has called us to be selfish. As such, I do think that there is a time to be real, and a time to "fake it 'til you make it." And if you look at the options through the lens of "It's not about me," I think one can quickly determine whether they should fake it and pray for their heart to catch up, or to be real and honest and pray for a change of heart. In looking back over the past 18 months, I know that there were times that I shouldn't have faked it and I should have been real. And, I can only thank God for keeping me from taking the selfish route that would not have ended well no matter how much better it looked at the time.

Post edit Scripture references that I have found: Philippians 2:3, James 3:13-17 - selfishness; Psalm 119:33-40 - prayer about turning away from self; Psalm 101:1-2 - an example of going through the motions waiting for the spirit to catch up, I believe;