I thought I knew what the answer was. But, I don't. Driving home Saturday, to this house and space that we have lived in for exactly one year, five weeks, and four days, I didn't really want to return here. At the risk of sounding like I'm a sappy, emotional person, I'm going to admit to even crying a little bit while we were driving home because I didn't want to come here.
It is said that "home is where your heart is," and "home is with family," and all kinds of other little cliché sayings about home. People also say that home is wherever you are, or wherever you have a roof over your head and food to eat, or wherever it is that you determine in your mind to make "Home." Over the past year, I have come to despise all those sayings, as none of them have come true for me since we moved to Kansas. If home is truly where the heart is, then I honestly have no idea where my heart is. 'Cause this definitely does not feel like home, and I have no flippin' idea where I feel at home anymore.
I have really struggled with our entire move to Kansas in more ways than I ever imagined, and probably more than anyone will ever know. It has been baffling to me, though. I have moved many many times in the past 11-12 years, and have never hated a move, or living space, as much as this one. I have lived in an apartment, a duplex, two basements, a single-wide trailer, the main floor of a house, a few bedrooms, two little houses, and now
owned two regular, family-style houses. I have even had a deadline to move out of one place, and didn't have a place to move in to until a couple days before the deadline. Or when I was hosteling in Australia, I sometimes didn't have a place to stay from one morning until that evening. And yet, for some reason, moving here to Kansas has been the worst experience ever.
Not every place I have lived in the past has felt like "Home" to me. Some situations were awkward, or not very comfortable, but I can't remember ever absolutely hating where I lived. Even in the uncomfortable, or awkward housing situations I have had, I think I still felt a bit of relief just being in my bedroom. My bedroom was my "comfy" space in those situations, even if the rest of the living space was not. So what is different between all those living situations and the house I am living in now? Here, I have Jason, Little Pumpkin, and Gunther; my own little family in my own house. That alone should be enough to make me feel at "Home," and comfy. Right?
People have asked if I miss Wyoming, or if I want to move back there. I have always answered "yes," but at this point, I'm not even sure if I would feel at home there anymore. Last year, when I was abhorring everything about this place, and the situations we were in, I thought about moving Pumpkin and myself back to Wyoming. I had figured out a place we could stay, and even mentioned to Jason that maybe we move back there until he started working day-shifts. I mentioned it more than once, too. (He was not a fan of the idea.) I realize that if we were to try and move back there now, after being gone for over a year, things aren't going to be the same as if we had never left. The people we knew- their lives have kept going, even though we weren't there to be a part of it. The life we had established there is gone. Sure, we have kept in contact with people, but it's not the same as being there in person and seeing and talking to people multiple times a week. So even though I miss Wyoming, and think I'd like to move back, I am also very unsure about whether I would feel at home even there.
So where is home? What makes a home, "Home;" that comfy space that it is a relief to return to whether you've been gone a few hours, or a few weeks? I have absolutely no idea. And I hate it.
This house that we bought when we moved is nothing I would've chosen, yet we did choose it. About a week after we moved in, I asked Jason why on earth we agreed to buy this house. Granted, we were in a huge rush, as we had to have somewhere to live. And, out of all of the 15 houses we looked at during the two days we were here to house shop, this was the best one. But none of those 15 houses were anything, or anywhere, I would prefer. Why does that matter, though? Shouldn't I just be happy to have a place to live that I can call my own?
At some point last year, my sister, Rachel, told me to pick a space in our new house, and arrange, decorate, clean, or whatever, that one spot. So that even if I hated the rest of the place, or felt like nothing was right, I would have that one "happy spot." So I tried, and while I felt like I succeeded, it was hardly a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things.
Hanging this shadow box and putting the trinkets in it (in our old house, I had just found the perfect place for this right before we moved) was probably the only thing I purposely thought out, and did, in putting our new house together. It was supposed to be my "happy spot." And, I guess it was in a way. But, having just one small spot on the wall that I liked didn't make this house feel like home.
Even though we have lived here for over a year, and I've tried to settle here and create some normalcy over the past six months, I'm still not comfortable here. I may not loath the place quite as fiercely as I did, but this house and area do not feel like home. I still feel uncomfortable going outside in our own yard. I don't feel like it's my own space, inside or outside. I do not feel a relief whenever I return here from being away, whether it's from getting groceries or a long trip. I don't feel relaxed, and that I can just be "Home." I don't really feel "at Home" anywhere. And it sucks.
So what is it that makes a home, "Home"- that place that you can return to and breathe a sigh of relief, and feel at home? What is it that makes your home feel like "Home" to you? What is it that makes your home a comfy place for you to be? What makes your home, "Home?"
Oh my. You poor dear!! I read this when you first posted it and honestly... I still don't know if there are specific "things" that make our house and 2.51 acres specifically feel like "home". It isn't the decor, furniture or wall colors, because you know our walls have been sorely bare for all our married life and just recently have I begun to decorate. If I may, I would suggest giving your feelings to the Lord (if you haven't already). Surrender yourself to him and ask HIM to be your peace, your rest, your comforting "place", and ask HIM to let you feel those in your house and in your yard. Ask Him to reveal areas you need to change heart-wise and for inspiration on how to make your house feel like a home. I would also go so far as to say that you have single parented pretty much the entire time you have lived there, so while you and Jason live there together, by and large you live there separately. That would definitely be hard to feel at home in a new place. Also, you bought this home amid major, major physical, emotional and hormonal upheaval. It's entirely possible you still have healing to do emotionally. Seek the Lord, seek the counsel and support of a godly friend and mentor. Buildings, walls, decor and our yards will never satiate our desire to be satisfied. They will always fail us in some way. It's just easier to "make them satisfy" with a different color, piece of decor, plant. Many hugs and prayers as you continue to wrestle over this.
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